CONVERSATIONS UNLIKELY TO BE HAD IN THE NETHERLANDS, PT. 2

AN ENCORE

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I'm having a cup of tea at an 'ahwa (coffeeshop) in Ismailiya. As expected, all other customers are Egyptian men.

The guy of the koshk next door starts cleaning the street, voicing his opinions on life and all it entails in no uncertain terms, entertaining all of us in the process. Until the 'ahwa owner comes out.

"Shut up, will you? The lady speaks Arabic!"

The koshk guy looks at me and asks in Arabic "Is that true?"
I nod.
"Do you speak Arabic?"
I nod.
"And you understand all the swear words I just used?"
I nod again. The 'ahwa bursts out in collective laughter.
"Alright," he says, "I better start swearing in Italian then!"

Some very peculiar logic

At the Vodafone store, to buy my pre-paid internet bundle for next month.

Me: Please remind me what packages you have, it’s something like 3GB or 7GB per month, right?

Employee: Yes, but all the prices have gone up. So we have the 60 EGP* bundle which is now 65 EGP and the 100 EGP bundle which is now 110 EGP.

Me:   You mean the 3GB bundle is now 65 EGP and the 7GB bundle is 110 EGP?

Employee: No, the 60 EGP bundle is now 65 EGP and the 100 EGP bundle is now 110 EGP.

Me: Uh, ok… I’ll have the 7GB bundle, as usual.

Employee: You mean the 100 EGP bundle.

Me: … ok. I’ll have the 100 EGP bundle.

Employee: Great! One 100 EGP bundle. That’ll be 110 EGP, please.




*EGP = Egyptian Pound

Everybody? Yes, everybody

As I was drinking a small glass of black tea on the riverbank to watch the sunset on the other side of the Nile, the boat-men started the inevitable questioning.

"Miss, miss, would you like a felucca?"

"No thank you."

"Miss, miss, really don't you want a felucca?"

"I really don't want a felucca, no."

"But you need a felucca!"

"Thanks again, but I don't think I do."

"Why not?!? EVERYBODY needs a felucca!"

Maybe he has a point...

Good point

The other day I was on a mini-bus with a 5-year old Egyptian girl sitting next to me.

"Are we friends?" she asked.
"I don't know, when do you consider someone your friend?" I said.
"Maybe when I like to play with them?"
"Could be. Or when you go over to their place or they visit you."
"Or when I dance with them? And want to hold their hand?"
"If that's the case you're definitely friends."
"Oh and when I don't bite them. Because you should never bite your friends, right?"
"Right."

Voor de kat z'n eh...

In de trein van Amersfoort naar Weest komen er drie jonge jongens naast me zitten. Echte pubers; hun gedrag is een mengeling van 'kijk eens hoe stoer ik ben!' en 'zie je me wel, erken je mijn bestaan?' De conversatie (net iets te luid, uiteraard) schiet van stomme docenten naar medicijnengebruik en van cocaïne naar het avondeten. Omdat ze doorhebben dat ik mee zit te luisteren, gaat naast het volume ook het taalgebruik steeds een stapje verder. Ik laat het gaan, tot het me te gortig wordt. Eén van de jongens roept dat hij wel wil dat de conductrice komt controleren. "Anders heb ik dat kaartje voor de kat z'n kut gekocht!" Ik werp hem een blik toe om hem te laten merken dat ik niet van zijn woordkeus gecharmeerd ben. "Ja man!" gooien zijn vrienden er nog een schepje bovenop, "zo praat je toch niet!" Waarop de jongen zich naar me toe draait en met een uitgestreken gezicht zegt: "Sorry mevrouw, ik bedoelde voor de poes d'r poes."